I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
