I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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