how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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