I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
