I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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