I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
