I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Randomize
