oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
