A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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