she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize