he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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