i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
