I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
