shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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