Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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