I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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