He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. ðŸ˜
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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