dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
