I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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