I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Randomize
