Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize