I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
