oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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