based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
