I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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