I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize