Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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