I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
My hand turned me down
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
