Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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