just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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