my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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