Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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