how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
porn star boner night. come get it.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
