my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
