if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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