you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
