there's paper in my vomit.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
