I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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