sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
