Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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