i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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