do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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