I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
