My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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