nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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