swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
