when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
