I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
When are your genitals available?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
