Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize