On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
