he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
