Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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