watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
