3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
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