hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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