ya dads aren't the best wingmen
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
