I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
