Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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