And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
