Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
