she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
